Just a minute.

Chapter 93: In Which We Are Having a Thrilling Day.

2008-10-10T11:03:30Z

We got the Nobel Peace Prize! :o It has been like fifty years since the previous time a Finn got any kind of a Nobel Prize, and now Ahtisaari surprises EVERYONE by winning. (He has been nominated a number of times, and everyone has been sort of laughing at the whole thing. Our Mara sure is adorable in his Donald Duck-like way, but... Looks like we were once again proven wrong.)

But there are more important things in the world than the possibly most respected prize in the whole world. You know, things such as MY BFF (Best Finnish Friend ;D) BEING PREGNANT WITH TWINS! :does a happy little dance: Yaaaaaayzays! Congratulations, T! <123

Now that I got that out of my system, I can get back to writing an essay on... I do not even know what I ought to be writing about. :D

Chapter 92: In Which We Are Alone.

2008-10-08T18:08:06Z

And frankly, my dears, I hate it.

I hate going to sleep alone.
I hate shopping alone.
I hate going to the grocery alone.
I hate having lunch alone.
I hate travelling alone.
I hate watching telly alone.
I hate spending the evenings alone at home.
I hate having no one to talk to.
I hate having no one to hug.
I hate having no one to hug me.

I hate getting to go where I want to,
whenever I feel like it,
without having to think about someone else's timetable.

I fucking hate this.
And I hate it when everyone around me is happier than I am.

And I hate lecturing.
I hate seeing him in the audience, his eyes glued on me.
I hate knowing that he really does not give a shit about what I am talking about.
I hate knowing that he comes only because he misses me as much as I miss him.
I hate him because he is stronger than I am.
I hate him because I still love him.

I hate being unable to think about anything else
aside from his eyes on me,
and lecturing being the only way to get his attention.

I hate my life.
I hate them because they died and left me alone.
I hate myself because of hating them.
I hate the way life goes on even though I do not want it to.

Writer's Block: Church & State

2008-09-28T07:28:59Z

Should church and state always be separate? Why or why not? What should the nature of their relationship be?

View 500 Answers

In the modern world, church and state should have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Each slows down the natural development of the other, by bounding their opinions to something that simply does not work. An excellent example is the question of the relation of the homosexual to the church - and the other way around, of course. The state, of course, says that no one is to be treated unfairly depending on whether they like men or not, but the church has its millennia-long tradition on this matter - and many others.

So, my opinion is that the church and state should be kept away from each other, but they should work as a team - an EQUAL team, in which both can say exactly what they think and feel about the other.

Chapter 84: In Which We Are Relieved But Busy as Hell.

2008-09-09T17:28:18Z

So, I got the test results yesterday. There is something wonky with my blood, but it is not leukaemia. And I could not be more relieved.

See, I loved my sister. More than most of you can possibly imagine. But after her death, I have started to feel that for a large bunch of people, I am just a poor replacement of my twin. And without even realising it, I have done things the way I think she would have done them. Being diagnosed with the illness that was the death of her - that would have been way too much.

Studies are hectic. Really. But I enjoy it - a lot. I have no time to think, no time to spend sitting on the sofa, crying. I run from a lecture to another, from a seminar group to a quick lunch with my buddies - spend the NORMAL life of a NORMAL university student. I even had a date(ish) yesterday! (A guy I have known for years asked me out. We just decided to call it a date, even if it was more catching up with what is going on in our lives. And to make the Swede jealous, but tii_nanni apparently had better luck with that with her ex-Swede. (Way to go, girlie!) :D

Yet, not a day goes by that I would not wish it had been me instead of Sigrid. Or my sister. Or my fiancé. Is there a point? If so, then please, let me see it.

Chapter 81: In Which We Are Meme-ing. :D

2008-09-02T10:38:10Z

Comment. And I shall give you a letter. You have to list 10 things you LOVE that begin with letter. Then, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own!

exosomatic gave me < S >.

... No one said that the words must be in English, right? :D

1. Sigrid.
An obvious answer, no? She may be dead, but she had an incredibly large impact on my life. She got her first name from my grandmother, plus her late paternal grandmother. The main idea was that it is traditional, and works in both Finnish and Swedish - and in English, too.

2. Suomi.
Finnish for 'Finland' and (when written with a lower case first letter) 'Finnish'. My home, my first language. The best country in the whole world. And the absolutely coolest language in the whole world, even if it is tricky as hell. :D

3. All things Swedish.
My main subject, my home #2, my home-to-be, my language #2, my working language-to-be, the country where some of my closest friends live in. The language is awesome, it is so beautiful with its musical accents (intonations) and loooooong vowels, and absolutely ridiculous sound system. (Okay, I understand it, in a way, but still...)

4. Syyssateet.
Finnish for 'autumn rains'. I love autumn, I love it when it rains. Do I need to say more?

5. Siblings.
I have a whole lot of younger brothers, all of whom I love to pieces. The eldest ones are seventeen, the youngest one is ALMOST a year old. Such a bunch of awesome young men. :)

6. Språkvetenskap.
Swedish for 'Linguistics'. That is what I do, that is what I love. And that is what I am going to do for the rest of my life. End of conversation.

7. Suklaa.
Finnish for 'chocolate'. 'nuff said.

8. Suukot, suudelmat.
Finnish for 'kisses' - both "proper" ones, plus the kind of kisses a mum might give her child. You English-speakers are weird, because you refer to both the actions with one verb/noun. Shame on you!

9. Strawberries.
Mmmm, strawberries and whipped cream...

10. Studying.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen (?!), I utterly enjoy studying. One can never know too much.

Chapter 78: In Which We Have Some Questions to Ask.

2008-08-29T20:35:10Z

What is the point of all this shit?
Am I really supposed to pull through?
Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my bloody life?
How come everyone hears but no one listens?
Does he honestly think he is going to be happy with her?
Am I really that horrible a person?
What the fuck does he think he is doing?

And hey, sweetheart, I know you are reading this. There is one thing I want to tell you, and that is FUCK OFF. It might be that you cannot see it but it hurts like hell. And yes, even I have feelings. There seems to be a little something in there that did not go with Chris, Kristina and Sigrid. But hey, let's ignore that little bit that keeps me somewhat human and treat me as a bag of rubbish, shall we? Yeah, let's.

Have a great rest of your life, my dear. I quit.

Yes, I really did. Starting Sept 1st. I do not know how they are going to deal without an extra person working 15 hours a day, but frankly, I could not care less. He can go shoot himself. That is what I am planning to do to myself.

Chapter 67: In Which We Are Going to Leave.

2008-07-31T09:46:29Z

This blog is on a
HIATUS
Aug 1st – Aug 31st!

Chapter 65: In Which We Think We Are Ill.

2008-07-30T08:57:51Z

I feel horrible. Absolutely craptastic. I think I should go home. My boss told me to go home. :D "My God, you look horrible. You must've caught a summer flue or something. Go home and rest. If you don't feel better tomorrow, go to the doctor and get a few days off."

There are just two problems with that.
First of all, this is not a summer flue. It is just that I have not been able to sleep again. (As my prescription for the anti-depressive meds ended the day before yesterday, and as I loathe taking sleeping pills.)
Second of all, I do not want to go home. I have nothing to do there. I am not allowed to exercise, I cannot afford buying stuff so that I could cook or bake or something, it is too early to start packing for the move - so, I just sit in my room and stare the computer screen. Or then I sit in the living room, hugging Sigrid's blanket, staring out of the window.

At the moment, my job is everything I have. I have no close friends living in the same town as I do. My family lives a hundred miles away from me. As my studies have not yet started for the autumn term, I have nothing to research on, to write about, and so on.

God, how I hate summers!
And God, how I hate my so-called life.

Anyway, if I really have caught a cold, I might not be around for a few days. Take care of yourselves.

Chapter 63: In Which We MUST Find the Money to Get to Go to the Cinema ASAP!

2008-07-27T20:15:57Z

Well, 'ASAP' as in 'after Friday, when the film is FINALLY premiered in Finland'. Which can also be put as "SPOIL ME AND YOU'RE DEAD!", if you prefer it.

A KISS! I is a happy Emilia now. :]

Chapter 61: In Which We Are Unable To Sleep.

2008-07-26T04:01:05Z

"I think you should give it a shot. Studying and living in Sweden isn't that different from doing the same things in Finland. Besides, you're still so young, and if you don't want to spend the rest of your life worrying about the lost opportunities, you should try out things."
"Yeah, like threesome."

A quote from a cafeteria conversation with two of my (male) colleagues yesterday.

I think they are right, though, even if the threesome comment was (quite) a bit inappropriate. Now that I think I know what I want to do in my life, and my studies are not yet in too advanced a stage, I really should give it a thought, moving to Sweden to study. I have been talking about studying a year in Sweden as an exchange student since I began my studies, but now - inspired by the example of a friend of mine - I have started to think about applying to study in Sweden, to finish my studies there. I no longer have a child to keep me in here, to be brought up as a Finn.; I doubt I could (have) give(n) her a national identity strong enough alone in a foreign country, even if it was "just" Sweden.

But it is too early to make any decisions now. I have not even begun to get over Sigrid's death yet, which means that this might be just a stress reaction, an desperate attempt of escaping my thoughts and the places where I was supposed to go to as a mother. (I still am a mother. It is just that I do not have a child.) Besides, this is the absolute most stupid time of the year to start thinking about such things. It is July, for heaven's sake. When are they going to take new students next time?! Yes, at spring (although I think you can apply at autumns, too - but I have to stay here and work up until January, at the very least.) And what would my family say? I have a lot of elderly relatives, who mean a lot to me, and I would feel like abandoning them by travelling away from them even when I know that they do not have that many years left. And then, at the other end of the scale, there are my tiny godchildren and other little people I hold dear. They would not grow up to know me as well as I would like them to if I live in another country.

But, thankfully, I have at least half a year to think. I can try different secondary subjects, just in case I find something that I feel like doing for the rest of my life. (I love linguistics, I really do, but since I have no greater intentions of working as a teacher or a translator/interpreter - or even a researcher - there are not too many choices left for me.

I, my dear LJ friends, cannot sleep. It is Saturday morning, a bit past half past six, and I am tired as hell - and I. cannot. sleep. And this is not the first time. I have tried everything from herbal tea (YUCK!) to the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. No luck. I fall asleep, okay, but I can only sleep for a couple of hours before I get a panic attack of a kind. After I have calmed down (usually takes half an hour - sometimes up to couple of hours), I cannot fall asleep, no matter how tired I am.

Stinky.

That is all I say. "Stinky." The lack of sleep affects my vocabulary, which is rather poor as it is to start with. At least when it concerns English. And the worst part? Next week, I am supposed to give a "lecture" (more like a speech) about the project we have been working on for a couple of days now. In English. I doubt too many of you have heard me speak English, but I can guarantee you that I suck. It is, if possible, even worse than my written English. And that, my friends, is something to be afraid of. :D

I should find someone to practice with. My friend T, being an EPF (English Phonetics Freak) and minoring English Philologist, would be a good choice but she seems to be video-conversating with her (Swedish) boyfriend (or should I call him your fiancé? :P) all the time nowadays. (Heh, yes, I am trying to make you feel guilty, and thus start a v-convo with me more often.) Or hang around with the English Philologists on Monday and Tuesday to get a grasp of this bloody language again. Ick.

Anyway, today's programme includes (but is not limited to) the following things:

attending to Edvin's 3/4-birthday (he is growing up so fast!),
going to the grocery (I have nothing edible in the fridge),
continuing to pack up my stuff (am going to move in a couple of weeks),
meeting a few friends at the town centre ("BENNY! BENNY! Oh, how I love my favourite BENNY!"), and
getting absolutely wasted with the said friends (most likely spending the night at my friend's apartment).

I hope everyone is going to have a nice Saturday. At least the weather here is a-w-e-s-o-m-e. :) It took long enough, though. Have been wearing my spring coat up until now - too cold to go out without one. Now that that has finally changed, I have realised that I do not have black and white summer clothes. (Am still officially mourning and thus sticking to the said colours.) Practically, that means that I should add a sixth thing on my list: "Run around the little boutiques of the two of your home towns and shop like there is no tomorrow!" ;)

Lots of hugs from
Emmie

The Swedish idea of a catchy summer song.
Unfortunately, it is too catchy for its own good.
"Sommartider" (lit. 'summer times') by a band
called Gyllene tider, originally came out in
the 1990s, methinks. And it is so bloody catchy.

Chapter 60: In Which We Are T-i-r-e-d.

2008-07-24T20:28:07Z

Guess who worked almost 14 hours today. Yes. I did. Ah, the joys of this particular job... But seriously, it was rather fun, actually, to sit in your office at seven PM, knowing that no one else is left in the building. :D

Had my first proper encounter with Icelandic. The language, I mean. Now my poor old brain is properly confused. T, dear, take my word for this: that language is of EVIL! If you are foolish enough to start studying it... you had better teach me, too, when you get back to Finland. ;)

A good friend of mine was proposed to today. Third time's the charm, eh, dear? You know where to find me when you want to talk about it - and dear, you do need to talk about it with someone before making the decision.

But now, I am off to bed. A long day ahead of me tomorrow, then it is weekend. And weekends are luff.

Chapter 59: In Which It Has Been An Interesting Day

2008-07-23T20:30:09Z

Today, it is exactly half a year since the death of my twin sister. Not a day goes by without me wishing to get to talk to her - if only one more time. Not an hour goes by without me wondering what she would say or do in a certain situation. Not a minute goes by without me thinking about her. Not a second goes by without me missing her.

I like to think that she is somewhere up there, taking care of my little Sigrid for me - a bit like I am looking after her son down here. But that does not mean that I would not rather have them both - Kristina and Sigrid - here with me. Edvin needs and deserves more than we can afford. Edvin needs his mum and dad. And I need my baby girl. (No, I do not talk about her. No, that does not mean that I would not think about her or miss her by every bloody breath I take.)

At times, I wish I could believe - that I had the faith I used to have. It would be so very relieving to fall down on my knees, cross my hand, drop my chin to my chest, and let it all pour out - the tears, the words, the bitterness, the anger, the longing, the sadness, the feelings - all of it.

But I know I shall not do that. No. I am too afraid to pray. Too afraid of no one listening to me. What have I done to deserve His love? I find it hard to believe that he would forgive all my sins just like that. SNAP - it is all gone. SNAP - I have regained my faith. SNAP - it all gets better.

Again, what have I done to deserve His love and grace? I have sinned, by words, thoughts and deeds, and been perfectly aware that what I do is a sin. I have given in to temptations without even trying to resist. If it feels good for a while, it is worth it. Even if it is wrong and against everything I have ever been taught. Sleeping with my boss - sure, as long as he knows his way around in the bed. (And he did.) Getting wasted every evening possible - sure, as long as I do not have a hangover the following morning. (Thank God I seldom get one.) Dating two men at the same time, while continuing to sleep with my boss at the same time, too - sure, why not, it should be fun. (And it was.)

Does that sound like something a Christian person would say, think or do? It sure does not for me. Besides, I cannot even begin to deny the fact that I blame God for everything that has happened to me. All the death and sickness around me. All the shit people I love have had to go through. In Finnish, we have a saying that translates into English as something in the lines of: "God never gives a man more than he can bear."

If that is true, then why is He giving me all this? I cannot even begin to bear this. I am too alone to bear all the losses. I am too weak to start looking for the strength I used to find in religion. I am too lost to find back home.

And frankly, I am glad that my sister does not see me now, as the person I have become. I hate the person I have become, but I do not know how to change back. Besides, the person that I now am is a lot tougher and stronger, in a way. Why should I want to become weak again? Every time I have given in, I have ended up hurt. Every time I reach up, I fall further down. Every time I trust, I get deceived.

Whine, whine, whine. Do I ever learn to value everything that I have? I doubt that. I can only see what I have lost - the man I loved, my sister, my daughter - instead of realising that I live in a great country, have a good job, amazing family, brilliant friends, and all that jazz. And all the great memories. Of the conversations with Kristina. Of Sigrid's crawling against my chest when kangaroo-ing. Of the exact way in which his arms used to tighten around me when I crawled into the bed next to him.

I miss all three of you more than I would have ever known. I can but hope that you guys are in a better place now. This place sure sucks now that you three have left. Chris, hun - I shall never love another man like I loved you. Kristina, sis - I shall never have a friend like you. Sigrid, sweetie - you shall always be with me.

"God, my Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you for
allowing me to have all
these wonderful people
in my life. God, grant
me the strength to
accept your ways, no
matter how much I miss
those who are no longer
here. Lord, grant me
your peace, lead me
back to your light and
your love. This I ask
in the name of my Lord,
Jesus Christ, your Son.
Amen."

Chapter 57: In Which We Have Found a Survey. Bwahah!

2008-07-20T16:44:57Z

I am bored. And you know what that means, right?

A - Accent: Western-Finnish/Central-Swedish/wannabe-British. :D
B - Belly size: Too big.
C - Chore you hate: Doing the dishes.
D - Dream: To become a happy and balanced person.
E - Essential make-up item: Powder.
F - Favourite memories: Involve people who are now dead.
G - Gold or silver: Depends.
H - Hometown: Tampere/Pori, Finland.
I - Insomnia: I has it.
J - Job title: "luentoapulainen" - assistant lecturer
K - Kids: I want to have lots of them.
L - Living arrangements: Three rooms and a kitchen, at the moment. Soon to become one room and shared kitchen...
M - Musical taste: Everything goes, really.
N - Number of pets you've had: Four dogs (not at the same time, though).
O - Overnight hospital stays: Yup.
R - Religious affiliation: A believing atheist.
S - Siblings: A flock of brothers.
T - Time you wake up: 5-8 AM. I am a morning person.
U - Unnatural hair colors you've worn: None. I am boring like that (too).
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: None. I am not a huge fan of cabbage, though.
W - Worst habit: Nail biting. Drinking.
X - X-rays you've had: Many.
Y - Yummy foods you make: Everything. ;)
Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces.

Your real name: Emilia
Age: 21
Height: 5'something. 167 cm or so.
Natural hair colour: Blonde.
Eye colour: Green.
Skin color: Too pale.
Glasses/contacts?: Usually glasses.
Piercings: Currently only my ears. Used to have more of those, though, and in other places, too.
Tattoos: None, as of yet.
Braces: Never.
Mannerisms: Does general insanity count as one?
Other distinctive markings: I never shut up.

FAVOURITE
Colour: Black, red, blue.
Band: Dunno. Lots of them.
Video game: Final Fantasy VII!
Movie: Dunno. Lots of them.
Book: Dunno. Lots of them.
Food: Anything my grandmother makes. :D
Game on a cell phone: Solitaire. Or the rally game!
CD: Dunno. Lots of them.
Flower: Rrrrrose!
Scent: Rose. Newly-cut grass.
Animal: Dogs.
Comic book: I do not really read comic books... Something with the Moomins. :D
Cereal: Am not a cereal person. Muesli is yummy, though.
Website: LJ, of course. ;)
Cartoon: The Moomins. Hands down.

DO YOU
Play an instrument?: Yes.
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: No.
Like to sing?: Yes - but I am a horrible singer.
Have a job?: Two of them.
Have a cell phone?: Yes. Three of them. :D
Like to play sports?: Yes.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Not really, no.
Have a crush on someone?: Unfortunately yes.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: Yes - thank God for that. :D
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: No. Just one.
Have any special talents/skills?: Again, does general insanity count?
Exercise daily?: Yes. Believe it or not.
Like school?: Yes.

CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?: Yes.
Stand on your tiptoes w/o wearing shoes?: Cannot everyone? O_o
Speak any other languages?: Any other languages than what? :D I know how to speak a few languages... ;)
Go a day without food?: Yes.
Remember your dreams: Unfortunately yes.
Read music, not just tabs?: Yes.
Roll your tongue?: No.
Eat a whole pizza?: Only if it is not a HUGE pizza.

HAVE YOU EVER
Won something in the lottery?: Yes.
Snuck out of the house?: Yes. Many houses. :D
Lied to get out of trouble?: Yes.
Had a computer crash?: Yes.
Gotten lost in your city?: Yes.
Seen a shooting star?: Yes.
Been to any other countries?: Other countries than what? I still think the answer is yes. :D
Had a serious surgery?: You could say so.
Stolen something important to someone else?: Do men count?
Solved a rubiks cube?: Yes.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: No.
Cried over a girl?: Yes - but not because of a romantic reason or such.
Cried over a boy?: Yes.
Kissed a random stranger?: Yes. (Spin-a-bottle, anyone?)
Hugged a random stranger?: Yes. (See above.)
Been in a fist fight?: Yes.
Been arrested?: Yes. (For fighting. :D)
Done drugs?: Not in the illegal way. I have been - and currently am - under medication, though.
Had alcohol?: Yes.
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: No, not milk.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yes.
Snuck into the opposite sex's bathroom?: Yes. :D
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: No.
Swore at your parents?: Once.
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: Yes. (See above for the fist fight and getting arrested.)
Been to a casino?: Never.
Ran over an animal and killed it?: No.
Broken a bone?: Yes.
Gotten stitches?: Yes. (See above for kicking, punching and getting arrested.)
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: No.
Made homemade muffins?: Yes.
Bitten someone?: (See above for kicking, punching, getting stitches and getting arrested.)
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: No.
Burped in someone’s face?: No.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth: A couple of hours ago.
Cried: I woke up last night, crying.
Went to the bathroom: A couple of hours ago.
Saw a movie in a theatre: It must have been more than six weeks ago.
Read a book: I finished a book yesterday, started a new one a few hours ago.
Had a snow day: "a snow day" as in a day when it snowed or a day when I would not have had to go to school because of it? In the first case, it was probably in March. In the latter case, never.
Had a party: 1st of May. :D
Went to a doctor: Last week.
Tripped in front of someone: A couple of nights ago.
Went to the grocery store: Yesterday.
Got sick: Other than pregnancy-related? Last autumn.
Got cursed: I cursed about five minutes ago. Someone cursed at me a couple of hours ago on phone. :D
Called someone: A couple of hours ago.

DO YOU PREFER
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit.
Black/white: Black.
Lights on/lights off: Off.
TV/movie: Movie.
Body spray/lotion: Lotion.
Cash/cheque: A card. :D Cash, we do not use cheques here.
Pillows/blankets: Blankets.
Headache/stomach ache: Headache.
Paint/charcoal: Charcoal.
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese.
Summer/winter: Winter.
Snow/rain: Snow.
Fog/misty: Fog.
Rock/rap: Rock.
Meat/vegetarian: Meat.
Chocolate/vanilla: Chocolate.
Sprinkles/icing: Icing.
Cake/pie: Cake.
Strawberries/blueberries: It depends.
Ocean/swimming pool: Ocean.
Cookies/muffins: Cookies.
Wallet/pocket: Wallet.
Window/door: Depends.
Charles Chaplin/Chespirito: Chaplin.
Pink/purple: Purple.
Cat/dog: Dog.
Long sleeve/short sleeve: Long.
Pants/shorts: Pants.
Winter break/spring break: Winter.
Spring/autumn: Autumn.
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds.
Moon/mars: Huh? Moon, I guess.
Questions/Answers: Questions.
War/Peace: Peace.

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Do you believe in love?: Sort of.
What's the most important kind of love for you?: Maternal.
Have you ever been in love?: Yes.
Been close to love?: Yes.
If you have, with who?: You know already.
Ever confessed your feelings to the one you loved?: Yes.
Really badly so that it actually hurts and you cry at night?: Love is not supposed to hurt, if that is what you mean. No.
Are you in a relationship?: No.
If so, for how long?: ...
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: Yes. But I do not believe all of us ever meet that Special Someone.
What is your idea of the best date?: Good food, good wine, good conversation.
What was your first kiss like?: Awkward.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 13.
Do you think love is worth nothing?: No.
Best experience you’ve ever had with the opposite sex: ... No comments.
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?: Yes.
Have you ever been dumped?: Once.
Have you ever dumped someone?: All the other times.

I...
Am: who I am.
Want: to get to know who the person that I am really is.
Need: to find something to eat.
Love: loving.
Hate: prejudice.
Feel: tired.
Did: go to a christening today.
Miss: Sigrid.
Am annoyed by: myself. My life in general.
Would rather: get wasted and forget about my life.
Am tired of: myself, really. :D
Will always: look for answers.

MISCELLANEOUS
What is your favourite genre of music?: Classical.
What time is it now?: 19:39
How much money do you have right now?: €800-ish.
Are you hungry right now?: YES!
What are you doing right now?: Answering these bloody questions.
Do you like parades?: Not really.
Do you like the moon?: Yes.
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: Eat something.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: Invisibility. Or flying.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
Funny?: Occasionally.
Cool?: Hardly.
Pretty?: Not really.
Sarcastic?: At times.
Lazy?: Too much so.
Hyper?: Every now and then.
Friendly?: If I want to be.
Evil?: Possibly.
Unforgettable?: Who knows.
Smart?: In certain things.
Strong?: Not really.
Talented?: In a way.
Dorky?: Yes. :D

WHAT COMES TO MIND WITH THE WORD
High: Drugs.
Lonely: Night.
Pen: Paper.
Flower: Tulip.
Window: Pane.
Psycho: Shower.
Brain freeze: Ice cream.
Strange: Life.
Sassy: The neighbour.
Suffering: Pain.
Art: Museum.

WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?: No.
Run away?: Yes.
Curse at a teacher?: Yes. (Been there, done that...)
Not take a shower for a week?: ... Hardly, if I had a choice.
Ask someone out?: Yes.
Unscrew your cellphone too see what's inside?: No.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: Yes.
Go scuba diving?: No.
Write a book?: Yes.
Assemble a computer?: Who knows.
Become a rock star?: I hope not.
Have a long-distance relationship?: Yes.
Marry someone you don't know?: No.

LAST QUESTIONS
What kind of computer do you have?: Currently using a HP laptop with Windows Vista.
What grade/level of studies are you in? (if applicable): Working on my Bachelor's thesis.
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: No - but I can do that.
How many posters do you have in your room?: Two.
Who else should take this quiz?: Whoever is as bored as I am.

Chapter 55: In Which We Have Done It Again.

2008-07-19T03:38:49Z

It is almost half past seven in Saturday morning - and guess who just got back home a couple of minutes past six. Yeah, that would be me. And yeah, I feel like kicking my own ass to Azkaban and back for that. Unfortunately for the justice - and fortunately for my poor fat bottom - I am still way too drunk to do that, since I would most likely not hit the said body part.

And yes, I was drinking with The Swede. It started innocently enough, as he came to my office half an hour before I was going to get back home, and asked if I would join him for a drink. "After all, it's Sigrid's birthday, in a way. Besides, I miss talking with you. Please?" So I said yes, thinking we would go to some random pub close to work, drink an ale or two, and then I would get back home.

So, we went to a pub close to work.
We drank a couple of pints of ale.
Then he bought us a couple of shots of vodka.
We drank those - and a few more.
Then decided to go to his place to continue talking and drinking.
Sat there for most the night, talking and drinking.
Then, at ~3 am, I decided that I must go home.
He came to walk with me to work, where my bicycle still was.
And we ended up, sitting by the riverside for two and a half hours.

Now, I know what you are thinking - or at least what I, in your stead, would be assuming -, but no, we did not do too many things that we are not supposed to do with each other. Which is something short of a miracle, seeing how much we drank. Of course, he gave me a few hugs, and kissed me goodbye (on forehead), but that was pretty much it. If you ignore the two and a half hours by the riverside, during which he held me quite close to him - but in case someone saw us, it was (well, "looked" would be a better choice for a verb) innocent enough so that we can explain it off as him comforting me. After all, it was the day my baby was supposed to turn one month old.

It felt way too good, though, just to sit there as the endless minutes ran past us, head on his shoulder, his arm tight around me, without needing to say a single word. He is a good man, The Swede, who knows the value of the things left unsaid.

I am not exactly proud of what happened, but I guess we both needed it. If only to prove us that it - the thing between us - really is over now. And that Sigrid is still gone, no matter how hard we wish she would come back.

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.
Cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Chapter 51: In Which We Are Lazy Bums.

2008-07-16T05:20:52Z

First day back at work, first day in this specific job - and after an hour, I am already in my (old) office, typing an entry. Have to love it.

"Oh, you're here already?"
"Umm, yeah, G [the boss] told me to get here at 7."
"She did? Oh. Well. You still have your old key card and such?"
"Yeah."
"And your office key?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, go and sit there and try to look busy while I reactivate the key card."
"... Oookay."

But I do not mind, really. It is quite good to sit here with my half-a-litre mug full of coffee, and read news online. Although a few minutes ago, The Swede brought me some papers to translate, but that seemed easy enough - no tricky words or expressions, quite easy language. Probably for the first-year students. Heh.

All in all, things are pretty much back to normal - even if there is a different working title below my name outside the door. The only visible changes since the beginning of June are that it is cleaner here now (because I organised the bookshelf and did some other things), and there is now one more photo on top of my computer.

I hate to admit it, but somehow, this feels like coming back home.

But I hate mornings. And I am going to continue with the same working hours as before - i.e. eight hours somewhere in between 6 am and 9 pm, depending on what I have to do. Practically, when the autumn term starts, I will most likely work from 8 am to 4 or 5 am, but now as the summer break is still officially on, I get pretty freely to choose when I am working - as long as I stick to the deadlines. :D

Speaking of, I think I had better start translating the papers for The Swede. God knows he is not a person you want to annoy by slowing down his working...

Chapter 49: In Which We Are WTF-ed.

2008-07-14T18:49:16Z

A friend of a friend just called me and asked if he could take me out for a dinner tomorrow.

"For a dinner - like, as we were on a date?"
"Weeeeell... Would you find the idea absolutely disgusting?"
"You're a nice guy and everything, but my daughter just died, and..."
"I know. Please. I won't try anything. I just thought you might need to get out for a moment, you know."

After a while, I said yes. He is, indeed, a nice guy - and on top of that, he should be able to actually understand what is going on inside of me at the moment. His son died when he was but fifteen months old. (He was hit by a car, I have been told.) Of course, it is a completely different situation, but... still.

Besides, I need someone to take my mind off The Swede. And I am quite sure this guy is not after a relationship or anything. A one-night-stand at the most, if not even that. (God knows I am not in the mood for that, though. I gave birth less than a month ago, for heaven's sake!) It would be great, though, to have a buddy who could identify with what is going on within my head.

And yes, The Swede called me today, too. I think the phone calls are quite okay. He is worried about me - as I am about him -, and he is always very careful about what he says and such. Besides, I do miss him. Yes, I know you are reading this, and yes, I miss you. But that still does not change anything.

I took a little nap on the afternoon and dreamt that my sister was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me. And no, that was not a comforting and securing dream. Frankly, it scared the crap out of me. It was so bloody vivid - not from a third person point of view, as my dreams tend to be, but as if I had been awake and... You know. It was not fun. She did not seem too happy about me, either. Too realistic - because I know she would judge the things I have been up to.

The next time I go to my parents, I must go to her grave. I just have to.

Chapter 48: In Which We Are Unable To Sleep.

2008-07-14T01:37:33Z

Dear LJ,

I am now going to vent at you, because none of my friends is online at this ungodly hour. Damn you guys. It is not nice to be awake and miserable in the middle of the night without anyone to talk to. (Okay, it is not your responsibility to stay online 24/7 in order for me to have someone to talk to. But it would be nice. :D)

Last night (well, more like tonight) was my first night without sleeping pills. An attempt doomed before it even begun. I did fall asleep at midnight, though, without too much trouble, but woke up first at 2 am after having had a nightmare, then again at 3 am for the same reason. I could not fall asleep again. Well, that is not completely true. I probably would have fallen asleep after I stopped crying - but I was too afraid to do it.

Stupid blood effing nightmares. Blah.

I hate Finnish summer. It should be darker. Not this light. And warmer, too! Summer bugs me.

I feel like calling someone - just to chat - but it is waaaaaay too early. Although if I am lucky, I just might reach The Swede, in case he has been to a bar last night. But... no.

Chapter 45: In Which We Have Found Another Meme/Quiz/Whatever

2008-07-12T08:44:44Z

Snagged from cebus_albifrons.

The Enneagram Test v1.5 - Find out your personality type
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Type Three: The Achiever

You're a type three: THE ACHIEVER. You're excelling, driven and adaptable. You like to set yourself goals and achieve. You do what it takes to get results. You want to be nÂ°1. People admire your achievements and skills and wonder how you got there. You are highly charismatic and able to get along with many people. You motivate others through your sheer energy.

Type Three: The Achiever

84%

Type One: The Reformer

82%

Type Five: The Investigator

80%

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

73%

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

70%

Type Four: The Individualist

70%

Type Two: The Giver

70%

Type Six (P): The Loyalist

70%

Type Six (CP): The Contester

66%

Type Eight: The Challenger

66%

So... I am an indecisive control-freak then? I want to achieve things by controlling everything around me, but I got quite good points for all the other types, too. ... Guess that got quite close to the truth. :D

Chapter 34: In Which We Have Found a Meme. :o

2008-06-29T17:31:06Z

Shamelessly stolen from ladymillay. Because I am evil like that. Bwahahah.

01) Bold what is true about you.
02) Underline what is half true.
03) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
04) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
05) Tag five LJ friends.
06) Ask me anything about the bold/italicized/underlined.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books. [At least I like to think I do.]
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies. [Please, everyone has. They just do not admit it.]
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S. [And I am so happy about that! :D]
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. ["You'll be okay."]
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have kissed someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Livejournal.
* I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
* I'm a pretty good dancer
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before. [Alcohol, never drugs.]
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friend(s).
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I’m obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Conservative Republican. [-ish. Our political system is quite different.]
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger. [No comments on that...]
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job.
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced. [Used to have...]
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on make-up.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
* I adore bright colours.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I've cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I have been to over 15 conventions.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist. I like to draw.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries.
* I am extremely flexible.
* I want to own my own business.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help. [I should have sought help, I mean. I do not wish that I would have had more problems. :D]
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction. [It depends.]
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro games consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
* I have hit someone with a dead fish. [:D]
* I have written/read erotic stories. [See the comment on porno above.]
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to reveling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry that something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I love talking about myself to the point where I need to be stopped.
* I often sing whenever I can and I'm good at it too.
* I have experienced some type of traumatic abuse in my lifetime.
* I've experienced visions and dreams which I know/believe are from my past life.
* I have deja vu so vivid that I feel faint.
* I love Harry Potter.
* My parents are not together.
* I don't believe in love.
* I hate people who walk incredibly slow.
* I have extreme contempt for the vast majority of people.
* Sometimes I don't shower before work.
* To me, procrastination is like a disease!
* I want to sleep now.
* I enjoy watching two guys kissing each other.
* I am a typical Gemini born.
* The more I searched the less I've found.
* As a child I was a huge crybaby.
* I'm feeling alone very fast. [But it does not bother me, really.]
* I'm living in a fairytale and I'm the noble Princess, who saves the day!
* I always have to spell my (real) name. [At least when talking to a non-Finn.]
* I want to die in my sleep.
* I have a strange laugh.
* If they let me, I can sleep 12 hours in a row.
* I wish I could transform myself into a boy every now and then.
* I dance in the rain and don't feel like a fool.
* I have a favourite stuffed animal that I will not ever get rid of.
* I sing 80's hair metal songs into my hairbrush on a daily basis.
* I have a speech disorder.
* I'm infatuably attracted to men with long, blond, curly hair
* I sometimes have the urge to take a shot of whiskey or open a can of beer at odd times in the day.
* I have a weakness for guys with nice bodies. [All the women do.]
* I plan to move to another country at some point in my life.
* Ever wanted to be a certain fictional character.
* My dreams are so vivid, they feel real.
* I'm a huge geek, the comic-book and video game kind, not the smart kind.
* I can get jealous easily!
* My computer and hard drive are pretty much my most prized possessions.
* I prefer to buy CDs than download music, free or otherwise.
* I haven't had my first kiss yet.
* I have had teeth pulled.
* I listen to music in at least five different languages.
* I think boys/guys/men are icky.
* I prefer dim lights or candlelight to bright lights
* I fully acknowledge that I love lame jokes, because they're lame.
* I get happy when I buy food (especially meat) on sale.
* I can find beauty and something to love in anything around me.
* Desperate to find where I belong
* I am a home-owner
* I do not need much sleep.

I do not think I am going to tag anyone. Feel free to do it, if you want to, though. :D

The situation with Sigrid is pretty much the same as it was earlier today. The doctors still have not been able to give a full prognosis, but they are getting there. Hopefully.

Chapter 29: Which Is A Short One

2008-06-24T19:17:23Z

Chapter 28 with all its ridiculous grammatical errors made me laugh as I re-read it before replying to the comments you guys had made. Gosh, I am so sorry about those. Too lazy to fix them nevertheless. :D

For those who might not know or have already forgotten, no, English is not my first language. Or even second language. Closer to fourth language, actually. And that is quite easy to see when reading my texts, no? ;)

Sigrid is doing good - i.e. better. They were going to give her a chance to practice breathing by herself at afternoon, but she was not up to it. Her weight, however, has been going up-up all the time, and they even decided to start giving her more "food"! Yes! Grow up! Get chubby! (And I do hope I learn to stop telling her that she needs to get more heavy by the time she is a teenager. She is definitely going to kill me. "EAT! You're not fat enough!") They are guessing that she is going to be over and done with the phototherapy by the end of the week - and that is when we are going to get to start with kangaroo care. YAY!

Not a word from Mr. Daddy. Am feeling absolutely miserable. Shall call him tomorrow morning and apologise. Am a weak sucker like that.

Now a cup of tea, quick read through your entries (possibly commenting if the internet access decides to cooperate), then back to the NICU.

Chapter 27: In Which We Have Nothing to Say, Really...

2008-06-23T18:21:18Z

Been listening to this song pretty much non-stop the whole day after I happened to hear Mr. Daddy sing it to Sigrid last night at the NICU when I went to get us coffee (for him and tea for me). Thought I should share it. Lyrics translated with some help from a good friend of mine.

Universum,
Universe,
Finns det plats för mig?
Is there a place for me?
Öppnar du din själ,
Will you open your soul,
Så varm, så kall, så stark, så klen?
So warm, so cold, so strong, so weak?
Hur ska vår värld se ut
What is our world going to look like
Tusen år från nu?
A thousand years from now?

Kan vi leva då,
Can we live then,
Kan vi älska då,
Can we love then,*
Tror du?
What do you believe?

Om det fanns en tidsmaskin
If there was a time machine
Där tid gick ut och in
In and out of which the time went
Kunde jag följa världens gång
I could follow the world's path
Från tid till tid,
From time to time
Kunde se hur livet blir
Could see what life becomes like
När våra barn tar vid
When our children take charge

Universum,
Universe,
Väntar du på mig?
Will you wait for me?
Finner jag din själ,
Shall I find your soul
Så smal, så bred, så rund, så lång?
So narrow, so wide, so round, so long?
Hur ska vår värld se ut
What is our world going to look like
Tusen år från nu?
A thousand years from now

Kan vi skratta då,
Can we laugh then,
Kan vi älska då,
Can we love then*,
Tror du?
What do you believe?

Universums framtidsvy
The views of the future of the universe
Ger bara huvudbry,
Just makes you think
Men i natt ska jag somna in
But tonight I am going to fall asleep
Och sova lugnt.
And sleep peacefully
Men när morgondagen gryr
But when tomorrow dawns
Blir då mitt huvud tungt
My head becomes heavy

Universum,
Universe
Väntar du på mig?
Will you wait for me?

The phrase "Kan vi älska då" can also mean "Can we make love then", but I think the one I used in the text fits in a bit better. But hey, who knows? :D

Sigrid is doing quite good. Talked to her doctor about how we should continue with her treatment, and he admitted that the prognosis they made is a bit too pessimistic, seing how much she has progressed. Pretty much made my day that little comment did. :>

On a more random note - I know most of you guys are not parents or anything. I know it must be horribly boring for you to read all these babblings about Sig. So, if you want me to shut the f*ck up - or at least make the baby updates available only for people who actually are interested, just let me know. I do understand if some of you guys feels like that. Honestly. :D I promise to try to write about other things too but it is not that easy when you spend pretty much all your time at the NICU...

Chapter 25: In Which Sigrid's Father Has Met His Daughter

2008-06-21T12:08:21Z

So, Mr. Daddy dropped by yesterday. I do not think he had understood the severity of the situation until he saw Sigrid. He really was quite shocked by the sight, even though he had seen the photos. "What is that cannula for? Is it normal for her to do that? Is she in pain?"

I really could not help but feeling sorry for him. Sigrid is his only child - and most likely will remain as his only child, since he is not that young any longer - and he had such high expectations for - well - everything. And God knows Mr. Daddy deserves a child. A healthy, plump little baby. The thing is that I am not able to give him one.

And no. That does not mean that I would not love my little Sigrid. Or that he would not. It is just that this is not what we expected.

Christ, that sounds so whiny and cold and whatnot. I think I should better shut up.

Anyway, Mr. Daddy brought her a tiny dinosaur dress (which actually fits her pretty well!) and a pink Moomin blanket. :) He was not allowed to hold her (which I was, later yesterday), but it seemed to be quite enough for him to let Sigrid hold his little finger in her hand. (Not that her fingers would have reached even close around his finger but...)

Sigrid is doing reasonably fine. Her weight has gone down a bit, but that is nothing to worry about. She has also started to practice swallowing, i.e. I give her a tiny bit of milk formula every day in her mouth so that she can swallow it. She is a sweetheart. A brave little girl. Mummy's princess.

Mr. Daddy and I did the all too familiar mistake of starting to talk about this thing between us. Some might call it 'a relationship' - even I did, at a time - but both he and I know better than that. In the end, he quite simply asked if I would do the same things as I had, if I got the chance to start from the beginning. (He was referring not only to the thing between us but to Sigrid and the earlier miscarriages, too.)

My answer? "Hell yes."

I did love him once. I still do, in a way. But now I also know that it would never work out between us. We are too different - and I am not talking about the age gap here, people. He is just... simply out of my league. But we get along with each other well enough as friends and colleagues, too, even if there is some... obvious tension between us. (Yes, he kissed me before he left. And I am not talking about a peck on the cheek. Not going to go into the dirty details here, but let's just state that I doubt I would have the strength to refuse should he ever suggest something, you know...)

Now I am back to the NICU to watch over Sigrid. I like to think that she knows that I am there and finds some comfort in that. Last night was a bit easier than the earlier ones, but we still have a loooooooong way to go.

Chapter 22: Which Is the Last Update for a Little While

2008-06-18T02:30:15Z

Exactly eleven hours and thirteen minutes ago, my doctors told me that I would go into labour within the following 24 hours. Because the Baby weighs over 500 grams (barely, but still), she has chances of survival, and thus the doctors would not even attempt to stop her from being born. I, however, tried to cling to whatever hope I had left of my Baby not being born this premature. Hell, she is but a few days less than 4 months early!

Well, I guess hoping does no good.

My water just broke. The midwife came to check on me and said that the whole thing (=giving birth) is most likely done within the next 12 hours. "I'm so sorry, dear, but it looks like your little princess is in quite a hurry. I think you should call her father right now if you want him to be there when you give birth."
"I don't want him to be there. And even if I wanted, he couldn't come."
"Poor little girl..."
"Does it look that bad for her?"
"I was talking about you."

Yeah, great. Pity is exactly what I have been asking for. </sarcasm> Anyway, as you probably understand, it might take a few days before I am able/willing to update... I have asked my brother to log in on my MSN and update both my LJs when the Baby is born, so that people get to know how it went, what the prognosis is and such.

Wish us luck.

Take care of yourselves.

Chapter 21: Which Is Also a Quickie

2008-06-16T02:30:12Z

Nothing new, really. We are still waiting. The contractions have continued, but I am not about to go into more active labour. (Am knocking on the wood every bloody time I say or write that.) They have managed to boost up her weight almost a hundred grams during the past couple of days. If she weighs over 500 grams, she has a lot better chances of survival. We are up to 450-ish already! :)

Asked the doctors if it is likely that I get to take her home by Christmas if everything goes well. They said that it is probable but that they do not want to promise anything. Most likely, she is going to have to stay at the hospital 5-7 months, depending on how well she starts to breathe (or more like learns to breathe, judging by what I have read) and learns to eat/swallow.

My closest family dropped by to see me on Saturday. Made my weekend. And my Mum stays here with me up until the Baby is born. (Well, she is in the town. She does not sleep here or anything, but the nurses are supposed to call her if something starts to happen here...) All in all, staying in a hospital in a town where your family does not live sucks. Big time.

It is 5:20 AM and I cannot get any more sleep. Mostly because I was woken up by a nurse who came in with a needle as long as my arm. (Almost, at least.) "This might sting a bit..." No shit, Sherlock... Seeing that the laptop is quite uncomfortable to use when laying on your back, I think I am going to continue reading. The only problem with that is that I tend to doze off even if I am not that tired...

Hugs for everyone!

Chapter 20: Which Is a Quickie

2008-06-13T20:30:56Z

Everything has gone quite well. I have managed to keep my legs crossed - at least for now. The contractions have continued to get more serious, but the doctors seem quite convinced that we can keep her in there at least until Wed or so - possibly even longer.

Am trying to be optimistic but failing miserably.
Am doubting if I have any tears left to shed if things go wrong.

But let's not think about that. Everything will go well. Everything SHALL go well. Because I say so.

Hospital wireless sucks. Big time. Just wanted to let you know that I am still here. Commenting on entries does not work too well, neither does replying to your comments. I have read them all, though, and I want you to know that I do appreciate your support.

Will try to update as soon as I know something, but for now, we all just have to wait.

Take care of yourselves.

Luff,
E.